The stresses of selling a house!!

It's been a while since I last wrote primarily because I didn't want it to bore anyone that should read with the sad excuse for my life!! 

As you can tell from my tone life has not exactly been particularly kind to me of late with things gradually slipping further and further downhill. Following a difficult wisdom tooth extraction  I developed a nasty infection which impacted hugely on my ability to eat worse still I managed to get a virus at the same time which played havoc with my blood pressure causing me to faint at increasingly often intervals. Needless to say this had an impact on my weight which was already causing concern to my cpn. However despite several conversations regarding readmission to a specialist unit I have still remained free to reek havoc on the world.

The past few months have been super stressful desperately trying to move on with life without Ben and dealing with the breakup of a close friendship. I thought the world of the man I thought of as my best friend and would have walked over hot coals for him. I supported him while he was at his lowest point following the breakup of his long term relationship and did all I could to get him through it. I to this day still remain quite shocked, hurt and disappointed over the way he has gone on to treat me. One minute we were spending all the time we could together then suddenly he was gone, turns out he had started seeing someone new but didn't think me worthy enough as his so called best friend to tell me. I haven't seen him now since June when I went out with friends for my birthday, which also ended with me in hospital for the night but that's another story! He has recently made contact to ask to meet up but we shall see.

So on top of the upset of loosing my friend Five months ago Ben and I reluctantly accepted an offer on our house, much lower than we hoped for but were assured it was a cash buyer looking for a quick sale. However now five months on and the sale has still not gone through and now having signed contracts the purchasers have decided they want a further £6k off the already crazy low price. To say this has pushed me closer to the edge would be an understatement. We of course told them in no uncertain terms to do one but sadly having sat down with Ben we have realised that In fact we have no option but to agree to the demands of the buyer or as I prefer the bitch cow from hell!! We have managed to get a slightly better offer getting them to agree to a £3500 reduction rather than the full £6 k. The fear now is as we are expecting to exchange on the 4th November when they return from a holiday that they will do the same again, change their mind and demand more money off. If this happens I really have no idea what we will do as we already can't cover our full debts with what we're getting. So another two weeks of worrying over that is sure to follow.

The house saga leads me nicely on to the Ben situation, you would think after over a year things would be getting easier for me to deal with but the truth is it isn't. Despite hating the way he has treated me and some of the issues that have come out during the divorce proceedings and in trying to sort finances which have hurt me no end the sad truth of the matter is that I still miss him. I want to hate him, some of the time I do but then I think back to all the happy times we had but that makes it even worse because now I doubt they were ever real. I don't know if he ever really loved me and if all the times I thought we were happy were real at all. I find myself sitting thinking about him and wondering what he's doing and worse still wondering if he ever thinks about me and the past, if he ever has any feelings towards me other than hate. I've lost count of the times I've shed tears over him and how close I've come to just wanting to end it all, end the pain and the stress I cause to my friends and family.

I think the main reason I've not gone that far is seeing the devastation that the recent suicide of a very good friend of mine has caused to all those who loved her, all the unanswered questions of why and what could we have done. Sad thing is there was nothing anyone could do when you get to that point that you see no other option and make that choice there is no going back. It devastates me to think this is now the third friend I have lost to mental illness and even sadder I doubt it will be the last.

Anyway if your still reading I've probably depressed more than enough for a Sunday or any day for that matter so I shall just bugger off and do something productive or maybe I'll just watch Hollyoaks 😉

A year on

So today marks a year since I was discharged from inpatient care not sure where the time has gone or how I feel about that year. I cheerfully posted on Facebook this morning celebrating the event and was met with lovely comments of happiness and pride and congratulations on how well I was doing. All were lovely and nice to read but I can't help but feel like a fraud because truth be told all is not as well as I would like people to think. The smiles have become less convincing and few and far between and the struggles and the demons shouting at me have become more common place and some days relentless. Inpatient care has been advised on more than one occasion which I have of course refused adamantly shrugged it off and continued on my way. 

I feel trapped in my life and to be honest I'm tired of fighting and in the words of Robbie Williams " I don't want to die! but I ain't keen on living either!" 

Life had picked up for a while I had begun to grow in confidence and started socialising even making some new friends someone close to me was going through a difficult time following a breakup and I spent as much time as I could helping him through, in all honesty he was helping me just as much as I him. However as always that person let me down. Going AWOL without a real explanation so once again I was left feeling rubbish like I had done something wrong and driven someone else away. I have tried to resolve things but not really got anywhere with it. 

I feel so alone much of the time but my therapist tells me that I have to learn to be content in myself, easier said than done when you find every aspect of your mere being a complete and utter disappointment and waste of time. Having spent the last god knows how many years disappointing people, hurting them and letting them down I don't really know how to see myself in any better light.

Oh shut up beck! I know shouldn't complain guess it's just the realisation of a year on and things not being much better guess that's why I try to ignore anniversarys so I don't dwell on things. Hey hoh onwards and upwards,oh and if you think this post is depressing just wait till it's my birthday ;-)

Life confuses me!

I have been desperately trying to figure out a plan of action for life! Now while I appreciate each day at a time as a good moto while trying to recover from any illness especially an eating disorder it just doesn't sit well with me and my need to know what I'm doing and when I'm doing it. I get that this is in part down to my need to have control over things but equally I have been like this long before my ed even as a child I wanted to have plans and things to be right, oh maybe I should discuss this with my therapist! 

Any how in trying to plan for the future all it has done is caused more confusion than ever I just can't seem to answer the age old question what do I want to do? In truth I haven't got a clue there are lots of things I'm interested in but do or can I peruse these in to a career. I'm fascinated with criminology, but equally nursing would give me an immense amount of pleasure as would working with children. Problem is I should have been considering all these options when I was 18 not 32 but instead I decided to mess my life up with an eating disorder and go to hospital rather than uni. If I hear one more person say it's never to late I think I will scream in principal yes I agree but unfortunately life gets in the way of making monumental changes at this age for a start where the hell do I get the money from to pay for such a change in direction? All things are possible I hear you say, where there's a will there's a way so I suppose the question should really be have I got the will....

Not sure is my answer hence my confusion I think trapped is how I feel at the moment unsure of who I really am and what I truly want from the rest of my life. I would be lieing if I said I was not still struggling with the breakdown of my marriage and finding it hard to accept that life as was planned will not be that way and seeing that Ben has moved on without a second thought of me hurts. While I dont wish him to be unhappy it's hard to think he no longer thinks about me or gets sad that we're no longer together. It breaks my heart when I go to what was our house to collect various bits of post and I stand In the empty shell that was once a happy home just waiting for someone to show any interest in buying it. 

Realistically I have a lot going on trying to go through a divorce and sell a house while at the same time battling to continue gaining some wait and fight the demons that are constantly screaming in my head perhaps that is challenge enough for now and I should put life plans on hold. Pah who am I kidding I just can't live that way so for now I guess it's back to the soul searching.

Hello 2014

I didn't realise just how long it had been since I last wrote anything but as they say time flys when your having fun. So it's been four months since I left treatment in Birmingham and returned to the care of my local team, despite some reservations on their ability I'm actually getting on well with my cpn and she is being both helpful and supportive. Life has been a mixed bag of late some good, some bad and some down right challenging.

My weight unfortunately has dropped and prior to christmas there was the threat of another inpatient stay but this time somewhere as far afield as Grimsby! However in true Boo fashion I managed to knuckle down put on a little weight and kept the doors to another hell hole firmly closed. I wish I could say that the threat isn't still looming but I'm fighting to get back to where I was, I've even realised that I prefer the way I both looked and felt at a heavier weight, all I need to do now is quieten the voice in my head that still encourages me to purge, easy then!

That aside life has been ok I'm still working a few hours a week but due to the weight loss haven't been able to increase as yet but at least I'm still out there giving landlords and tenants a hard time! I seem to have mastered the art of socialising thanks to the help of my amazing and supportive friends and now regularly meet up with them and have even managed to eat out in a large group several times, an every day task for most I know but a whopping great mountain was climbed for me.

My best friend sadly split from his fiancée and so we have been seeking solace in each other's company wallowing at times over our losses and sinking in a pit of self blame but for the most laughing at life and the crap it's thrown us getting out and having some well deserved fun. It's fair to say he has and continues to be my rock and I love him to the moon and back.

So that brings me nicely on to the subject of Ben, hmmmmm what can I say on that? Well the divorce is progressing and he has now moved in to a house with his girlfriend leaving our house on the market for sale. I still have days when I could cry for England over my loss and miss him desperately but most of the time I reflect on our time together and realise things were not all they seemed and that I'm not solely to blame for the situation were now in, other days Im so angry I could smash his face in better hope when I see him Friday to sort our joint stuff out I'm not having one of those days! As for his new girlfriend well despite the fact that she was living in my house and sleeping in my bed with my husband (ok we were split but you get the point!) I still managed when I walked in on her casually sitting in bed not to drag her out of the house by her hair and beat her to a pulp, even I'm amazed at the restraint I've shown but then neither of them are worth a criminal record!

Well that's a short snippet of the last few months I would have mentioned the persessive stalker I acquired in the interests of time I'll leave that for my next post.

Scary times

So the end is in sight I am nearly at the end of my stay in day treatment and its almost time for me to be returned to the wild of reality. So how do I feel, truth is I have absolutely no idea. my emotions change on a minute by minute basis ranging from fear to excitement, sadness to happiness and almost every other emotion in between. By the time I leave I will have been in treatment for over a year and so so much has changed the thought of leaving that safe environment is nothing short of terrifying. I went in to treatment to get well to make a better life not just for me but for my relationship with Ben, we had so many plans for our future all the hard work although unbearable at times seemed totally worth while. It's amazing just how much can change in a relatively short space of time obviously Ben and i are no longer together and sadly divorce proceedings are now underway after he admitted there was no hope of reconciliation and he had become "close" to another girl. Now while this dealt me a devastating blow it was the honesty I had been asking for for months and finally gave me the courage to try to move on. Easier said than done and I feel like I'm on a roller coaster that I'd quite like to stop and get off for a while.

As its not possible to stop life at convenient moments to reflect and take a step back and look where you are and where your going I'm left with having to do just that but while the fast pace of life continues around me. A million decisions to be made and a new future to be built, it's not surprising that my head hurts!

what's next then? I'm not really sure somehow I have to start all over again build a new life in which I'm self sufficient and self reliant and able to take on life's challenges head on. That said I'm by no means alone I have got the best friends and the most amazing family without whom I would not have got to this point I would simply have given up long ago. Yet here I am still fighting, I wish I could say that it was a breeze and I get through each day without a thought of weight, shape, or Ben but that would be a lie what's changed is the way I deal with those thoughts.

I guess that's the best I can hope, for well for now at least, but I'm a million miles from where i was this time last year. I just spent another week in Ibiza with my parents and managed to go a couple of days without calorie counting, eating and drinking what I liked (albeit with some guilt and worry) and even joined in with the daily entertainment team activities on my own. There is no way I would have had the confidence to do this or the energy for that mater but in doing so I chatted to some lovely people and had some very nice comments on both my personality and even how nice I looked.

So it's with renewed confidence that I look to the future I'm not expecting miracles and I know I still have a long way to go and many challenges still to face its just now I'm better equipped to deal with them. So I'm working Saturdays back at work and have made plans for a phased and gradual return in to full time but my manager and colleagues have and continue to be an amazing sport to me not expecting anything and giving me all the time I need to get back up to speed with things. Although I do find I'm quite tired come the end of the day I'm enjoying the feeling of responsibility and doing something useful again.

Question is then, Am I ready to leave treatment?who knows but guess I'm as ready as i'll ever be.

Just have to keep in mind how far I've come and that I never want to go back :-) 

A good weekend

After weeks of struggling to cope with loosing so much and finding life in day care quite hard at times a good weekend was a welcome change. I sang with the operatic society I have joined on Saturday as part of the Lichfield festival, the sun shone beautifully and I'm told the singing wasn't bad either. It was so nice to be out and doing something that I truly love. I find singing gives me freedom from eating disorder thoughts which if only for small amounts of time feels amazing and gives me a huge buzz. My parents came along as well as my good friend tim and we spent a lovely afternoon at the festival, well in a beer garden. I then spent a childish couple of hours at the cinema watching despicable me with tim which made me chuckle.

Im pleased to say Sunday continued in the same vain the sun shone and with my parents, sister and brother in law we went to the new pub that has opened where we had been invited for a free meal and two free drinks each as part of their pre opening training day. Now I admit that this was more of a challenge as weatherspoons put the calories on everything which made my choice really hard as I was massively governed by that and not by really what I wanted i had already looked at the menu on line and chosen something in advance but when I got there found it was a limited menu and surprise surprise what i chose wasn't on there, i had a moment of panic and said I couldn't do it and would eat at home however a few deep breaths and a talk with mother soon set me back into calmer thinking that enabled me to make a decision Choosing a chicken burger and salad, which I have to say was very nice, I even managed to force down a beer and a glass of wine. I spent the remainder of the afternoon sitting in the garden topping up my tan before heading off to ballroom dancing with mom.

Dancing was fun but the hall was crazy hot and I think I sweat half a stone off! To make up for it though I met up with three good friends and along with my parents went along to a charity quiz night and rock and roll bingo and forced down a few vodkas and a beer or two (only to replace what I lost dancing you understand) it was a fun night even if we were crap at the quiz coming last but we did win at rock and roll bingo so yay us!

All in all a lovely weekend helped along by beautiful weather and amazing friends.

Another step

So I finally left my home on the ward to face the real world for a while. Well real world been a week in Ibiza which was amazing, stressful at times and although there were several times when I felt overwhelmed by it all I still carried on and had a fab holiday. Now I'm back to reality and I have started daycare which is 8am till 4pm Monday to Friday so far its going ok it's a lot different to the unit but I think I needed that, it's far more relaxed and certainly less intense.
I had a dreaded birthday yesterday which I'm not great with at the best of times as I always feel like its another year of my life I've wasted having an eating disorder, however while there were certainly elements of that thinking yesterday this year at least I can hold my hands up honestly and say I'm fighting it and making progress on my journey.
I took a huge step last night and arranged to go out for a meal not just with my parents but also with several very good friends I admit I was terrified at the thought of eating with them but I never the less faced my fear and had a really good time. I went back to my friends house and watched a DVD and it was lovely to feel special on my birthday and that was down to them. I did have a wobble where I got upset about Ben, its the first birthday in 12 years without him or even a card and that was hard to face. I am still missing him desperately and trying to find a way through but it is not an easy task. However I have some amazing friends who are supporting and loving me and I couldn't ask for more.
So this Saturday I'm really challenging myself and I'm holding a BBQ to which I have invited lots of people and I am raising money for Macmillan and also for the unit which was my home for almost nine months, just my way of giving something back to them for giving me back my life. The second big challenge of the day however will be me going back to work, I will be working just Saturdays for the time being and while I am excited to be going back I am terrified. I'm scared on several levels, what people will say to me about how I look, scared about not remembering what to do or finding that everything's changed and scared of eating not just lunch but also snacks. Oh well guess I will just have to continue as I have been, feeling the fear and doing it anyway.